More than frogs, snails, and puppy tails - What little boys are made of and how to raise them
“If I were a boy, all girls would like me; and all boys would follow me.” The 14-year-old me told her male friends based on her then narrow view of what boys and girls were like. I said it partly to express my expectation to my friends. I was also declaring my standard for boys. Years later, I married a man I believed met and exceeded my expectations. I also became a mom of two boys. It’s easy to claim my standards of a boy’s character. It’s a whole different story to raise two on my own. More importantly, should I still raise them according to my expectation?
The popular nursery rhyme has it: “What are little boys made of? What are little boys made of? Frogs and snails, And puppy-dogs’ tails; That’s what little boys are made of.” People might say that the poem stereotypes the genders and we should allow for room for uniqueness. I wholeheartedly agree. I was not and still am not a little girl made of sugar and spice. I will say this, though. My two boys seem to fit into this framework. They’ve had their fair share of digging in the mud for treasure hunting and various bugs. All their pants (yes, all of them) have holes around the knee area. After buying way too many pants to last only a few weeks, they only wear shorts now. They are energetic, constantly barking, whining, and wagging at you for more playtime.
My first internalized parenting tip on raising boys is to “let boys be boys.” So I acknowledge the difference, recognize it’s in my boys’ nature to go wild, and for the most part, let them be as long as it’s within my risk tolerance. My risk tolerance is very high. Is that it, though? Are boys just made of frogs, snails, and puppy tails? And all I need to do to raise them is to let them be who they are?
No, there is more to it. After spending time with my two boys (now 10 and 7), I am genuinely in love with them. The little boys are made of so many more unique traits that make them endearingly annoying and unbelievably fun to be around at the same time. Here are my top 3 favorites and my way of working with them. I call them the three “Cs.”
Note this is based on my experiences raising my boys, and I don’t intend to generalize. If those relate to you or you have your own stories, write to me, and I’m eager to hear them!
Little boys are Crystals. They are clear, and you can see through them. They are reflective of and reactive to what they see and how they feel. They don’t have any filters. Boys are direct but inconsistent communicators.
The upside of being a crystal is they are who they show. It makes it easy to work with them. You don’t need to second-guess their feelings and opinions. They tell you. The downside is they can sting you with their raw emotions. A second ago, you could be the best mom or dad in the world. The next minute, you are the worst. They can tell you they love you forever and ever. It could immediately take a downturn to “I hate you. I don’t ever want to talk to you.”
How to work with the crystals - We all can feel happy or sad based on what we go through in life—kids’ emotions generally swing in 100 directions at 100 miles per hour. Unlike adults, kids, especially young ones, don’t know how to regulate or rationalize their feelings. At the moment when our young ones say harmful things to us. Try the two ways below,
Stay calm and don’t rationalize - When our kids hurt us with their words, our emotions go wild. We probably think in our head, “How dare you?!” That’s the last thing you want to say. Don’t try convincing them their feelings are not right, justified, deserving, or fair. As personal as it sounds, they don’t mean it. It’s just their expression at the moment when they are still learning how to express their feelings appropriately. You don’t want to elevate your emotions to the level of someone irrational, especially with a boy.
Hug them - Give them a big mama or papa bear hug. Tell them repeatedly that I love you. Acknowledge that you know their feelings are hurt. Reassure that you are there for them. Remember, boys are reflective like crystals of what they see and how they feel. Once the warm and loving feelings fill their heart, they will bounce back and be the happy go lucky guy again.
Little boys are Clouds - I’m always fascinated by clouds. They move and take on different shapes based on environmental conditions like air, temperature, and water. They are there because you see them. But they are not there because you can’t touch or hold them. Little boys are like that. They are physically present in front of you. You can feel them. They can even converse with you using simple words, “yes, yeah, okay, I don’t know.” But they are not there because their mind has wandered off. Their thoughts are forming various shapes in their own world. They don’t even know what you are talking about because they are in auto-pilot mode.
On the one hand, you want them to enjoy this phase as much as possible. You want them to be on the nine clouds and to be daydreamers. But, on the other hand, it is annoying because you really need them to pay attention when you are talking to them!
How to work with the clouds - Here are my two tricks to bring my two “Clouds” back to reality.
Obtain the same eye level and establish eye contact - Many people emphasize the importance of eye contact when talking to kids. It’s equally, if not more important, to be at the same eye level with your kids if you want to get their attention. When you are at the same level, you make it easier for your kids to establish eye contact with you. It also shows that you are present at that moment with them. If their little eyes move away, gently gesture to them to look at you. You can try pointing at your own eyes or slightly moving their head as a reminder.
Make it quick and to the point - When talking to little boys, set your expectation low. Don’t expect to have intelligent conversations with them. Don’t expect a lot of good back and forth. Young kids’ attention span is really short. It’s max 2 to 3 times their age. So for elementary-age kids, you are looking at between 15 to 30 minutes at best. That’s conditional on the task being engaging. When I train adults how to do interviews, the typical format we use is “STAR” - Situation, Task, Action, and Results. With young kids, just use “T and A.” Tell them the objective and what they need to do. For example: “(T) We need to cross the street. (A)Please hold my hand.”
Little boys are Coconuts - Hard outside, creamy inside. When boys reach elementary age, they constantly test their limits with the world. They transition from being a dependent toddler to wanting to be an independent young kid. Little boys are competitive. They want to feel that they are in control. They want to have a sense of ownership. It’s an excellent trait that you want to encourage them to keep acting this way. However, they can start appearing to be cold and distant. You feel you are being pushed away when you want to help. If you crack this hard shell, you will find they are still this loving and cuddly soul you adore.
How to work with the Coconuts - If you ever try opening a coconut, you know they are tough to crack. But when the timing is right, they can break open themselves. So what we need to do is to create those timings.
Instead of offering help, ask for help - I’ve transitioned from the supermom to a needy mom with my two boys. The signal of the transition is when they start telling me, “I got it. I got it.” I ask them to pure water for me, cover me with blankets when I take a nap or even make fried rice. And they love it! I still feel nervous when they do some more challenging tasks, but the reward to them and myself is beyond joy.
Ask for permission to help - We, as parents, are naturally drawn to take care of things for our kids. “Don’t do it this way. Let me show you.” When we do so, we are sending a signal of incompetence to our kids. It might hurt their feelings and self-esteem as they grow older and become more sensitive. But there are times they fail, and they need our help. Instead of “just do it,” ask, “can I help you”? When you ask for permission, you are respecting their little ego. It also makes them feel that they are still making the decision. If they say no, don’t insist on it. Failure itself is part of the process.
What are little boys made of? They are made of so many different things. Each one of them is unique. I have my 3 Cs. I’m eager to hear your opinions. In addition, I’m curious about what little girls are made of from parents of girls. Write to me. I will share them.
